Commentary

‘Auditland, USA’ is not your parents’ theme park

May 27, 2021 11:41 am

Veterans Memorial Coliseum, the site of the Arizona Senate’s audit of the 2020 election in Maricopa County. Photo by Jeremy Stahl | Slate/pool

Welcome to Auditland, USA!

It’s America’s newest mega theme park, located in sunny, ozone-laden Phoenix.

A lot of people say it’s the most tremendous amusement park ever!  

If you love QAnon and you’re ready to be taken for the conspiratorial ride of your life, Auditland USA is the must see vacation destination for you.

A lot of people — and we mean like a lot! — call Auditland a cross between Six Flags, Disneyland and the neo-noir, psycho movie thriller, Memento, except, well, twice as psycho.

If you love watching killer whales jump through hoops at Sea World, come see Republican sycophants do back-flips and worship at the feet of a 30-foot tall, gold-plated replica of America’s only ever twice-impeached president, Donald J. Trump.

Who needs the Hollywood Wax Museum when you can enjoy a leisurely, fun-packed stroll through the promenade at Commie Clone Hall?

Yep, you were right. That wasn’t Hillary Clinton running for president in 2016, or Alexandria Ocasio Cortez donning a white bat cape at President Trump’s 2019 State of the Union address. And that most definitely wasn’t Nancy Pelosi twerking with Barack Obama at last year’s American Music Awards.

They were commie clones! 

Like only the best commie clones, Auditland’s are made in America in the basement of the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in Washington, D.C. — that is, when the Deep State factory’s all-Cuban and Venezuelan immigrant staff isn’t busy building Marxist-inspired Dominion vote-counting machines or trafficking underage prostitutes on eBay. (Congressman Matt Gaetz, eat your heart out.)

Trying to get fit after months stuck at home for the pandemic? Join the excitement of the Bamboo Ballot Treasure Hunt in the recently renamed Cyber Ninjas Memorial Coliseum where you’ll get to burn off dozens of calories while bonding with hundreds of fellow “Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs” GOP volunteers — every last one of whom still believes Trump is president. 

Yes! You, too, will get to spend months in a trance-like state playing Beatles music backwards and scouring 2020 election ballots for “kinematic markers” left by undocumented, Democrat space aliens. With any luck, you could uncover actual evidence of Chinese election interference. (Hey, we’re not talking soy sauce here! This is serious!)

Sick of Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean? Hop aboard Auditland’s Tax Evader Log Ride. You’re gonna love being investigated by Manhattan District Attorney and Demoratic hatchetman Cyrus Vance. But that’s not all! The first 100 ticket buyers win an all-expenses-paid master class taught by celebrity financier Bernie Madoff on how to dodge your personal income taxes.

Oh, wait, Bernie’s dead. Guess you’ll have to settle for Martha Stewart.

And don’t you dare leave Auditland before you’ve experienced the world’s most beautiful and tremendous, I mean absolutely perfect reenactment of the January 6 Capitol Insurrection ever! (Not counting the next one.)

Yeah, we really hate Hollywood snowflakes, but Auditland’s chief investors — the Koch Brothers and that loveable, huggable My Pillow guy — have spared no expense making you feel like you were really there on January 6 by hiring the Oscar-winning set designers for Titanic and The Birth of a Nation II. (Warning: federal civil rights laws may apply.)

And what would a good ol’ red-blooded American Capitol Insurrection be without a cameo by one of the greatest patriots in the history of the world. No, not Trump. We’re talking about Arizona’s own Anthony Chansley, AKA, “Jake Angeli,” AKA the “Yellowstone Wolf,” AKA the QAnon Shaman!

That’s right, America, you watched him storm the cradle of modern democracy in chinos and Viking horns, you’ve seen him in multiple court appearances, now come and meet His Holy Shaman in person.

The QAnon Shaman is available daily starting at 9 a.m., giving autographs, channeling Trump’s evil spirit and doling out sacred, quasi evangelical Q-blessings at just $100 a pop — or at least until he gets nailed on federal sedition charges.

Yes, America, it’s time to stand back and stand because Auditland, USA is coming to a city near you,  especially if you live in Georgia, Texas, Florida or any other state where voter suppression is really popular.

We’ll see you at Auditland, USA! Where aspiring domestic terrorists go out to play!

Unofficial Disclaimer: Auditland is not affiliated in any way with the GOP, The Trump Organization, North Korean President Kim Jong-un or U.S. Reps. Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Especially Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

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James E. Garcia
James E. Garcia

James E. Garcia is a Phoenix-based journalist, playwright and communications consultant. He is the editor and publisher of Vanguardia Arizona, which covers Latino news statewide, and the weekly newsletter Vanguardia America. As a journalist, he has worked as a reporter, columnist, editor and foreign correspondent. He was the first Latino Affairs correspondent for KJZZ, and the first Latino editor of major progressive news weekly in the U.S., The San Antonio Current. James has taught writing, ethnic studies, theater and Latino politics at ASU. He is the producing artistic director of New Carpa Theater Co. and the author of more than 30 plays.

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